The Spiritual Awakening of an Unconscious Dreamer

    I'll start at the beginning. I was born. Yes this is true. I don't remember it, but all evidence points to this as being a fact. But nothing special there. I was soon placed in foster care as an infant, as neither of my parents could properly care for me and both were apparently diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I went to a loving family, with many unconscious problems of their own, but I'll get to that in a bit. I was a timid child, sensitive and shy. One of my very first memories happens to be the main trauma experience that would set my life on the path I have lived, in fact when I say that I was timid, shy and sensitive, that is because of this trauma as it's one of my first memories.

    I was at my grandmas house with some extended family over, I was about 4 or 5. I've always been very curious about the opposite sex and this account of memory is no exception to that rule. I was upstairs with my 3 or 4 year old cousin, who happens to be a girl. I remember wanting to see her underwear, and naïve little me, with no real conscience at this point, decided to pull her into the bedroom and pull her pants down. I didn't know this was wrong at the time, I didn't think she would care, I mean we were both really young, but she started to cry. I felt so ashamed, as if I had done something terrible. She pulled her pants up and ran downstairs. I hid under the bed to await my fate and started to cry softly. Her dad, my uncle, came into the room, got on the floor and said very sternly "You can't do that." I cried even louder and felt even more terrible, I didn't fully understand what he meant by "that" but I assumed he meant "You can't show interest in a girl/female and you most of all can't touch her." I don't have many memories of my childhood, because it was mostly just boring stuff and school.

    I grew up Catholic and started to question God when I was about 12 and often found myself thinking "I bet most people just symbolically believe in God, there's no way a reasonable person would believe He is 'real'." There were a few things that I learned in Catholic school, around 13 or 14, that would stick with me for years, despite being an atheist for the most part. Sex before marriage seemed like a terrible idea, why give yourself to someone before you know you're going to be with them for the rest of your life? I now know that this belief was just playing into the trauma I had experienced, which shaped my perception of sex. My (adoptive) mother always taught me, in passing moments, through unconscious bias, that sex was "inappropriate", mostly because she gets uncomfortable when the topic is brought up, but I'm not going to dig into the reasons. This also affected me unconsciously.

    During my time in middle school, I met a girl, she was pretty, attractive, but kind of erratic, which embarrassed me later on. I had also met this other girl, who was a straight up kink. She sexually assaulted me multiple times on the bus, which I didn't really mind back then and still don't, but she was just too sexually available and I wasn't interested. But the first girl and I started dating, it took about a year for me to kiss her for the first time, we dated for about 3 or maybe 4 years on and off into the first year of high school. We never had intercourse but did fool around in other ways eventually. I loved her a lot and even told her I wanted to marry her. She had always wanted to have sex, but I just wasn't having it. She eventually claimed some guy tried to kiss her, I punched him in the stomach and was caught and was suspended for probably 7 days, in school suspension. I broke up with her after the vice principle convinced me she was just manipulating me, I'm pretty sure the vice principle was correct.

    I need to rewind slightly. I started seeing a psychiatrist in middle school for depression. I was prescribed medicine that made it difficult to do physical sports, and I was in football and was actually one of the best on my team. I played in 7th and 8th grade. In 8th grade, I started the anti-depressants. This made me slightly lethargic and affected my performance. I ended up hurting my back, and received a bulging disk in my lower back. So football was out of my future. This just added to my persona, I had a dark vibe, had long hair, was never bullied, was good with almost everyone. 

    After we broke up, I felt angry, abandoned, and lost all motive to continue with my homework, except science and art. I fell so far behind that when I got into 10th grade, I had over half of my 9th grade year to catch up on. I stuck out until 11th grade, but never caught up. I eventually dropped out.

    During high school, I read the book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle. This book would be the beginning of my spiritual journey, but not for a couple more years, but also gave me the humility to give up on school without feeling too guilty or shameful about it. It just wasn't for me.

    I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, sometime in my late teens, maybe 17. This scared me, because I thought there was something my doctor was seeing that I was unaware of. I wasn't delusional, not like my birth mom, who I had met a couple times when I was young and into my early teens. But I believed I was living a lie and that I was some how not aware of just how delusional I really was. Eventually the diagnosis changed to Schizophrenia, which made it even worse for me. I was put on disability when I was 18 and played World of Warcraft almost nonstop. At the time, I thought my doctor was right, which made me research Schizophrenia profusely, I would soon identify with some of the symptoms, a lot of which didn't fit, but I made them fit. But eventually something happened that changed my perception of what I thought was the Schizophrenia forever.

    I had tried to smoke marijuana a few times when I was a teen, and I enjoyed it. It made life fun and interesting. Eventually, after being on antipsychotics for a few years, I smoked again. There was a specific time I remember, where I smoked a bowl to myself while at the skatepark with a friend and my brother. I started to experience what I believe is called Audio Dyslexia. I couldn't process what anyone was saying, in fact it sounded like gibberish to me. I was amazed at this at first and thought they were doing it on purpose. It sounded like animals trying to speak "human". This made me paranoid and I wanted to go home, they drove me home and I immediately went to bed. Marijuana played a pivotal role in my waking up from the collective dream-state mostly everyone is a part of.

    I eventually became obsessed with the Illuminati. The song by Muse, Uprising, tripped me out one night while I was high. It made me so scared. I felt like it was revealing the truth that had been in front of me the whole time. That the government was behind everything, and even some covert operations about mind control, that psychiatry is a form of mind control, and that I was being oppressed, and that my thoughts were being manipulated by them. That same night I had an experience with my brother who came to talk to me, where I stood up in front of him, felt the need to "shed my skin", made the motion of taking off a layer of something from my head to my feet, and stepped out. I felt uplifted and like a new person. The thought/feeling quickly occurred "it will never last, they have you" or something, it wasn't a voice after all but a feeling. This was my first experience with ego death.

    When I was about 24-25, I had been off the medicine for about 2 years, was eating healthy, working out, lost 30 pounds and felt good. It turned out that I had become an empath, and would feel what other people were feeling in my body and would often be affected by it greatly. I had never told my doctor about it, because I was over psychiatry, it had become my enemy. I started seeing a spiritual healer, who would perform something like Reiki on me, and it would make me feel centered and well off. This eventually kickstarted my awareness that I was indeed dreaming while being awake.

    I started googling things about shamanism and schizophrenia, maybe there was an answer out there. I wasn't particularly gifted with dream interpretation or my newfound psychic abilities on a person to person basis, but I could read people well and often had many impactful things to tell them. Around this time, I discovered that I was love shy, and would often remember that first traumatic event I described earlier, there were times when relationships would come up, like "why are you single?" and I would panic. I really wanted a girlfriend, but no one was interested. I was over the no sex before marriage ordeal too. But I wasn't appealing to women that I found interesting. They liked me as a friend, but that was about it. I had been going to therapy for some years, but it never really helped me heal. Eventually I read a book that altered my perception permanently.

    In my quest for answers I stumbled upon an author named Paul Levy and one of his articles on some website. He mentioned something about how (if I remember correctly) synchronicity would lead you to the eventual disillusion of the waking dream state. Those words are my own and most definitely aren't quotes. I was so interested that I sent him an email. He told me his new book Awakened by Darkness: When Evil Becomes Your Father was coming out, and I was probably one of the first people to read it. I bought the ebook, and immediately started reading it the moment I received it. 

    So many things started to make sense, my mother was the archetypal evil in his book, and I could feel her psychic perception from the awareness this book was giving me, a controlling, narcissistic woman with a lack of psychic boundaries. Eventually I broke free by imagining myself stabbing her in the throat, releasing all of the built up tension between us, severing the connection she had made to my unconscious. This brought many more of these connections to the surface. Many people I had met were being peeled away from my unconscious, many years of peoples perception, washed away. Eventually I became so "clear" that I was a psychic sponge, it felt like I had broken out from the dream or thought matrix that is a quantum world that allows us to understand and relate through language and thoughts and emotions, and small things would begin to just absorb into my energy field. There was a moment where I read a post from one of my Facebook friends, I felt a ton of psychic energy emanate from the post, into my being. I was overwhelmed by the sheer force of the weight I had become burdened with. There was no discernable substance to it, it just felt like an immense amount of negativity living inside of me. I could even feel it stretching beyond my body and into my surrounding field of consciousness. I eventually laid on my bed in hopelessness while this energy cloud got bigger and bigger. Not a moment to soon, I saw a bright flash outside, it had been raining softly, but I don't remember hearing any thunder, or seeing lighting previously, but the moment the lightning struck not a second later I heard thunder, it had struck several hundred feet above my house. As soon as this happened, I felt the energy in my body begin to dissipate and I started to feel normal again, like it had healed my perceptual holes that I had created when I woke into the physical world, purely with no mental filters to stop me from seeing and feeling reality without a thought in my mind or body.

    Eventually I started breaking away from my family, and I acted out on my brother verbally, I said "I should have killed you." because of some passing insight I had about us growing up and him using me for his own egoic perception of himself. My mom and dad committed me to the hospital because of this, and I was put in a facility where I met a woman who the first things he said was, "want to get a hotel room?" This was a weird thing, because not in a million years would I have expected that to happen to me, of course I said yes, but I also told her I was a virgin, I just preferred being honest, but she didn't like it so much. I felt her judge me, and eventually I got friendzoned about a week later. She ended up becoming attached to me emotionally and this would lead me down a dark and treacherous path. I told her after a month or so of knowing her that I can't be friends with her, she got sad, and I swear I saw a tear drop from her eyes. She was a cold hearted woman, no real love for me, just insane amounts of selfishly driven, toxic emotions. After she left the facility, I would hear from her from time to time and I mostly brushed it off, because I couldn't feel her much anymore. Eventually I got out of there, and was living at a Hab home, where there is staff present and there are a few other people who live with you, its just a normal house where you pay rent and live like a "normal" person would, which was what I needed at the time. She called me out of the blue, and I immediately felt her emotions bombard my body, I knew I shouldn't pick up, but I did. Eventually we started hanging out, almost every day, and at one point without really considering how I really felt, I asked "when can we have sex?" which I just wanted to get it over with, not considering what door that would open for me and her, me being an empath and her a narcissist who was hardly a conscious human. She replied "when the time is right." which were words I should have accepted for my own beliefs. The same day, she said "lets do it now." while we were in my room. Let's just say it was the worst sexual experience I think anyone could ever have. She didn't turn me on, and she just assumed that I was ready, she said "put it in" and I stuck my floppy soft appendage inside of her and was immediately turn off even more because she started moaning. She probably couldn't even feel it and I didn't like that she was basically lying to me about how it felt, so I stuck my fingers in and out of frustration, used a trick I had learned on the internet, just to see if she could squirt. She didn't like it at all and I was over it, but she said "that was a mind fuck" and immediately I realized that I wasn't feeling her emotions at all, she had put up walls to prevent herself from being vulnerable during that experience, which I believe is what ultimately made the whole thing fail. But as time passed, "mind fuck" became more and more apparent. Eventually we were connected mentally. My mind had never been infiltrated before and it was evident that it was her because of how she was behaving. She believed I didn't exist, because my mind is air, I intuitively received thoughts that weren't words and I processed them by feeling them. So she couldn't hear any of my thoughts, and she was unaware of my true state of being. She eventually started calling me "entity" "get over here, entity" and I just thought she was stupid. But she occasionally would get a glimpse of what I was feeling and this made her believe I was actually present as a living breathing person. So she started investigating psychically. Personally I would have just asked some questions that helped me get to know the person, but she insistently poked and prodded at my mind and eventually broke something, I lost control over myself, and she invaded my body, it wasn't just "feeling" her, I was literally becoming her. 

    Eventually I broke free from her by re-reading Awakened by Darkness, and trying a new medicine called Saphris. This completely unlocked my perception and sent me into a "mental" version of a collective dream, which unfortunately for you I'm going to keep most of it private because I just don't want to share most of it, it was very entertaining though. I connected with musicians, celebrities, people I knew, and even put on a show where I was Jesus, it was really funny. Fast forward a couple months and here comes the toxic girl back at it, looking to figure me out again, in this "dream" this time, I guess I was more appealing since she could actually see "me" now. We screwed around with different ideas, images, scenarios, and eventually I had lost control of my physical body, simply because this "dream" was so intense, I couldn't function in reality anymore. I wasn't eating, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even hold a conversation with anyone that I could physically see. Eventually I was committed because I was "laughing maniacally" all the time, only because everything that was happening was so funny, I couldn't help it. I got sent back to where the toxic princess and I met, where I would be for 11 months. While there, she did experiments on me, and just had a change of heart as to the reasons she was interested in me. She altered my spiritual body, tried to turn me gay (I won't explain, its just really stupid), and eventually found the closest she could get to my "authentic" self. I kept telling her it was just ego, and she tried to destroy all of it, just to see if it would kill me. Now this being said, this was probably my 3rd ego "death" so the things that I accumulated since my last one, I was fairly proud of, since I was happy for the most part. But I just let it happen and she removed every last bit of what my perception of myself was. 

    Eventually I got let out of the facility again, and moved back into a different Hab home, where I lived for like 3 months. I was a little hostile back then, and ended up threatening the woman who worked there for not minding her own business. I held out a "finger gun" and shot it at her, then held it to my own head and said "kill myself" which was just some saying I had picked up in the dream state. She committed me and wrote down "he said he wants to kill us with knives", that was never said, and I ended up in the hospital again. Had court and the judge considered letting me out to a homeless shelter, instead of sending me into a facility for the third time, but the psychiatrist she called objected and said that I would probably stop taking my meds, so he advised against it. Now at this time, and for the last year for that matter, no medicine ever stopped me from experiencing this mental, collective dream state. So I knew it wouldn't matter if I was on them or not, but I knew it was going to go away eventually. Needless to say, I was sent to a facility, where I returned to a normal, although lacking, state of consciousness. I was there for 2 and a half years, only because they were more strict than the last places I went to and anger was not acceptable. I was pissed, I showed them I was pissed. Which turned out to be a mistake in the long run. I was completely blank minded there. They let you order food and my mom would buy me pizza like 3 times a week. I got overweight, gained 30 or 40 pounds, eventually had to get my gallbladder taken out, and have a fatty liver. I had no control over my life and the only thing I could control was the hunger I felt from being so miserable.

    Eventually I got out after I wrote the judge. They let me out by the force of the judge in December, 2020. I'm now 30 years old. This quote is pulled from an article on choprafoundation.org. It's the qualities someone feels after waking up from the dream state reality: 

They no longer fear death. They identify with a self that is timeless and unbounded. They stop experiencing extremes of emotion. Their minds aren’t riddled with extraneous thoughts but feel calm, alert, and open. Wounds and traumas in their past no longer return to haunt them. They tend to feel detached, as if witnessing how life unfolds rather than being tossed and tumbled in the chaotic stream of daily events. At the height of the experience of waking up, they feel liberated and blissful.

    That quote almost perfectly describes me now. Though I'm not where I want to be in life, because of the amount of crap I had to go through to get to the other side, almost 6 years of time spent in a lucid version of the "dream" where I had no choice but to get through it, I feel rather overwhelmed by my life choices. Part of me wants to go to college, part of me wants to stay on disability forever and just chill, though I know I don't need it and would rather just get a job, which is why I want to go to college so I can do something "worthwhile" with my time instead of just dealing with random people at a job that sucks ass. So I'm at a sort of crossroads now. Either continue the journey, that feels finished, but won't end until my last breath, in a way that is enjoyable, but probably stressful, or wallow in the shame and pity of being a disabled person for the rest of my days. I'm going to choose the more positive one. 

    I'm sharing this because I personally believe that most mental illnesses are caused by trauma and the feelings and emotions that trauma can cause. Having emotional imbalances can cause a variety of mental problems. I'm not saying all mental illness is caused by trauma, for instance, hard drug abuse can cause it, and for me marijuana caused a little bit of it, because of the traumatizing fear I felt while occasionally using it, causing me slight paranoia in my sober state. Physical trauma can cause it too. Also after a lot of research on the subject, I found that I in fact had complex PTSD and not schizophrenia, the doctor who diagnosed me was a jackass, and he was judging me based on beliefs that millions of healthy people hold. When I went to get a second opinion at one point, he stopped it from happening, which just goes to show how invested he was in my own belief that I needed to have to keep taking his diagnosis seriously. So for those of you who have mental illness diagnoses, remember that it can be healed, but it takes effort, research and a lot of hard earned conscious awareness and honesty about yourself. It probably won't be fun either. So for some people medicine is the best option because facing these things can be more painful and scary than the way they feel with medicine. So take everything here with a grain of salt, I don't support stopping medicine in all cases, but it worked for me and I hope it will work for others too.

    I'll probably never post on this blog again, honestly I don't even know how to promote it or whatever, I just wanted to get this written down so I have something to go back to in the future to look back on. Some of the information on this post is scattered, some of it was omitted on purpose. If I were writing a book, I might write it a with a little more thought put into it, but this is just a dump of thoughts so I can move on. Thanks for anyone who actually makes it this far. 

The article I quoted: https://choprafoundation.org/articles/is-life-really-a-dream/