The Best President Ever Seen. Not. (Satire.)

The Perfectly Sane Tyrant

(Disclaimer: This piece is intended as satire and for adult audiences. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and for comedic purposes only.)

Once upon a time, in a land overflowing with "free market" principles and "personal responsibility," there lived a very, very special man named Bartholomew Buttersworth III, or "Bart" for short. Bart was the CEO of Everything Inc., and by extension, the benevolent (he said so himself!) ruler of the nation of Capitalia.

Now, Bart was a unique individual. He had the financial savvy of a Wall Street shark, the charisma of a used car salesman, and the mental capacity, according to some very concerned whispers, of a goldfish. However, these whispers were quickly squashed. Bart was, after all, certified "perfectly sane" by his very own hand-picked team of "highly qualified" medical professionals (who were, coincidentally, also stockholders in Everything Inc.).

In Capitalia, "liberty" took on a whole new meaning. Citizens were free to buy anything Bart sold, work at any job Bart offered (for minimum wage, of course), and express their opinions – as long as they were positive about Bart. Any dissent was quickly labeled as "unpatriotic" and "socialist," a fate worse than having your credit score lowered.

And Bart, being a firm believer in "maximizing shareholder value," interpreted his liberty very broadly. In fact, some even speculated, in hushed tones behind closed doors, that he believed it extended to... other things. Let's just say the phrase "genocide by market forces" started circulating (again, in hushed tones).

However, Bart was no brute. Oh no. He was a businessman first and foremost. Any such "actions," if they were to happen hypothetically, would be carried out with the utmost efficiency and cost-effectiveness. Maybe a new line of "eco-friendly" extermination products? Or perhaps a subscription service for "population management"? The possibilities, as Bart often said, were endless.

In Capitalia, the definitions of "mutiny" and "treason," as discussed in historical texts like "Mutiny, Treason, and the Socialist in an Oligarchy," were twisted beyond recognition. Questioning Bart was treason. Asking for better wages was mutiny. Even suggesting that maybe, just maybe, the healthcare system should cover more than just Band-Aids was seen as a subversive act.

And if anyone dared to point out the, shall we say, inconsistencies in Bart's logic, they were immediately met with a blank stare and a hearty, "But isn't this just good business?"

In Capitalia, sanity was relative, liberty was conditional, and the only thing truly guaranteed was that Bart would always, always find a way to make a profit. Even if, hypothetically, it involved... well, let's just leave that to the imagination. After all, as Bart always said, "A good businessman knows when to diversify his portfolio."